Hey, everyone! Today is an incredible day: it’s the 75th anniversary of the release of one of my favorite films and one of the most important in film history, Disney’s Fantasia!
Yay! But more importantly for us at the moment, it’s the day of the epic return of Space Cadet Glow, back from a long hiatus and now coming in weekly installments! And on a day as doubly special as today, what better thing would there be to talk about in this first post in ages than porn?
(Note: Danny and I are planning something very special for Fantasia and need more time, so please don’t be too disappointed and enjoy my adventure through internet porn)
A long time ago, a collection of 4chan drafted a list of rules on the internet (naturally it was 4chan, much of the internet’s great memes and stuff come from that community of whackjobs). It seems that these are mostly laws that explain how people behave online rather than enforced mandates for how people should behave – it’s the difference between the Laws of Gravity and the laws of San Diego. Here’s a picture courtesy of KnowYourMeme, the best site for understanding the often incomprehensible culture of the internet:
There is some disagreement about the veracity of a majority of the rules, and there are probably a few on the list that you don’t agree with yourself, but the one rule that just about everyone online accepts as a bonafide fact is Rule 34: “There is a porn of it. No exceptions.”
Most of you reading are probably digital natives, meaning you’ve grown up your whole lives knowing about the internet and how it’s an amazing world where you can find anything. That means anything – especially more lewd, salacious content. Just as it allows people to post videos showing their personal experiences and original artwork only they could have conceived, it also allows people to make pornographic films and lurid illustrations based on fictional characters or even real people such as celebrities. Some people find it gross, plenty of people get off to it, and sociologically-minded folk probably think the proliferation of sexy stuff online is both an intriguing insight on the minds of mankind and … entirely unsurprising.
Rule 34 is considered a fact, but has it ever been effectively proven? Maybe it isn’t as true and undeniable as everyone says! Maybe there is something in existence that doesn’t have a porn based on it. But tough questions need tough people to answer them, and this quest to answer this questions may destroy the childhood of anyone who dares undertake it. So I volunteer to do this, just so none of you have to put yourselves at risk, and I’ll put up my findings here, exclusively so you can laugh and say, “Did this guy really do that?”
Here’s how this is gonna work:
- I will look up five different things that I absolutely do not think has porn about it online. I promise I have no knowledge beforehand about whether or not something I search up has porn of it. If I find something, I will write that I did, and if it’s interesting enough to write about, then I’ll write about it.
- I’m not actually gonna put up nudity or pornographic imagery on here. If anything, I’ll censor it with black squares, which may very well mean posting up an entirely black image. That’s why this post is explicitly labeled as SFW (though you should probably not read this at work anyway).
- However, for those who are curious and brave enough to see what I talk about, I’ll include an absolutely 100% NSFW link to the image itself. I repeat, do not click the link under an image I post while I talk about Rule 34 imagery unless you want to see uncensored porn.
- This is for the entertainment of anyone reading this, and also for science. So please don’t freak out if you’re reading this, Mom and Dad, it’s just to be funny.
- If you’re under eighteen then get off this page at once, it’s for grown-ups only, blablabla the hormonal teenagers here probably already scrolled down to the porn.
So. You ready? Last chance to leave.
Okay, here we go!
1. The Maze Runner (book series and film series)
Considering that I have been writing a sort of reading companion to it (that I need to get back to, whoa!), this book, and its film adaptation, was the first thing to pop into my mind. So I looked “maze runner hentai” up on Bing Images, which is supposedly better for finding porn than Google (wait, Bing is better in some way than Google? Yeah, right), and …
Found nothing about The Maze Runner. Seems it only understood to look for the word “hentai” and gave me an intense image of anime sex, pictures of My Little Pony characters with female bodies (but still pony heads), and most baffling of all, a SFW image of Norm the Genie from The Fairly Oddparents holding a floating lava lamp.
Gotta try a little harder. Recommended additional searches at the top included “maze runner porn,” and that was … a hit!
It gave me two pieces of artwork. The first was Teresa, the token female of the cast, getting double-penetrated, but I refuse to link it because her face looks terrified and (call me soft) I don’t like the implication that this is a rape. Buuut I found a one-panel comic of Thomas, the protagonist, and Minho, the leader of the Runners, talking after the former gave the latter what was clearly an explosive blowjob. It’s pretty hilarious (probably unintentionally).
So far, defeat for me.
2. The Police (band)
I’m aware that there’s plenty of slash-fiction for rock bands out there, including One Direction (duh), Blur, and Franz Ferdinand. But most of those bands are from the ’90s onward, and I’m pretty sure most people my age (the primary content providers online) don’t listen to the Police. So let’s find out if the band behind “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” and “Message in a Bottle” has any fans with dirty minds and artistic talent. Does anyone wanna … fuck the Police?
Turns out, they don’t! Or at least, not that I could find. But I acknowledge that looking up “police porn” or even variants like “police band sting porn” probably wasn’t specific enough to filter out porn about police officers (which there is a shocking amount of!), so this one won’t count for the experiment.
3. Of Mice and Men (book)
It’s John Steinbeck’s classic novel about the hardship of migrant workers in the 1930s Dust Bowl and it’s a common choice for teaching middle schoolers to hate literature. Most of you, at least through pop culture osmosis (“Tell me about the rabbits, George”), are probably aware of the tragic adventure of George and Lenny. Question is, is there a porn of it?
God, I don’t even know, this search was a disaster. How was I supposed to know there’s a popular rock band with that name? All I got was a perplexing and disheartening collage of images of the band, porn with men, and hentai with mice. I don’t know why, but I’m so frazzled by these results, I’m actually kinda upset. Okay, maybe if I instead look up “lenny george porn” …
Shit, it’s just porn pictures featuring guys named Lenny and/or George. I should have seen that coming. Let’s get out of here.
4. Calvin and Hobbes (comic series)
Perhaps the most famous image about Rule 34 (meaning not an outright example) is this comic from zoom-out.co.uk:
I can assume that this comic was made after its creator found out that Calvin and Hobbes porn exists, but I’m putting this on here both to test that hypothesis and to see just how someone would do it. The comic centers around a six-year-old boy (extremely illegal) and an anthropomorphic tiger (extremely bizarre). How can you make porn with that?
The first words to come out of my mouth were, “Oh dear god this is fucking horrible.” Yeah, I almost forgot that he has parents, a teenage female babysitter, and a friend-who-is-his-age-but-she’s-a-girl-so-hey-why-not-do-porn-of-her. I am actually really disgusted and disturbed at just how dirty the results are. I’m gonna suck it in and post up censored versions of a few of these images as I foolishly said I would.
How do these people live with themselves?! Who the hell looked at a little comic of a tiny child and his imaginary cartoon tiger and said, “Needs more sex”?! I wanted to know how they could do it, and I got exactly what I asked for and more. God help us all.
Okay, now I gotta find something that doesn’t have a porn of it, to cleanse myself from this one. Something utterly outrageous and outlandish that absolutely no one could look at and think it could benefit from more genital-smashing. Winnie-the-Pooh? No, at least one of the cast has had sex (question is, who’s Roo’s father?). Seinfeld? Nah, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is quite attractive. Dammit, if the freaking Pillsbury Doughboy has hentai, who wouldn’t?!
Then I thought: it can only be Steven Spielberg’s dramatic, dreary film about the trials, tribulations, and horrors of a band of soldiers in World War II. If there is one sacred thing in this world that couldn’t have needless nudity slapped on it, it could only be …
5. Saving Private Ryan (film)
I concede. Rule 34 maintains its long-lived reputation … for now. Maybe another day, I’ll try another test in this experiment, but for now, I need a shower. For reading this far, and because I’m just glad to be back, have an innocent, jaunty, absolutely SFW Korean song.